Urgh!

I saw the doctor yesterday and of course, I can try on our own this month but no clomid. He wants to put me on Metaformin to see if it will help at all. Metaformin is actually the gastrointestinal devil. It has awful side effects and a scarey (rare) but deadly condition can occur from taking it and it's side effects, basically very very very similar to the general ones! So last night I had a freak out about a lot of things, Metaformin was one of them. I have the prescription filled and right to go but I don't know if I want to take it, I don't know if I can handle work and Claire will such major "bath room" and horrible stomach side effects. It's just a "maybe" it will work. I don't have any high levels from my PCOS so it's just a precautionary measure. I have started taking 81mg of aspirin every morning. I'm fine with that (minus the whole glass of water in the morning. I hate drinking water or any liquid in the morning - yuck!) Urgh! I don't know what to do. I just want to start this cycle like normal! I wanted to start clomid now!! I don't want to wait, I DONT WANT TO!!! The need and want for a baby, a baby brother or sister for Claire is outrageously strong! It sucks! If I some how got pregnant on my own this month (ya right) I would be due the end of August. If I get pregnant with Decembers period, I would be due in October. I'm confused, mad, sad, angry and some-days hopeless. I hated. I'm so happy with Claire and my family but inside of breaking and I don't know how much more I can handle! My insides are about ready to imploded!

Waiting

Well, my last pill of progesterone is in and now I wait. Wait for AF to show it's face and we can move on, get start, let hope and faith take it's course! I'm secretly hoping I got pregnant on my own because I'm pretty sure I ovulated last week, we shall see!
I just get in moods where I never think I will be pregnant (successfully) again! It makes me sad and angry. Then a sense of relief comes over my, I really think it's my faith and hope that let me know, I will. I just wanted it so bad. Think of something you want night now and you can't have it, it drives you insane. Thankfully I have a crazy two year old to keep me super busy! She's my everything right now! Thank God I have her, she makes me think happy thoughts!
Well hopefully soon I will be peeing on a stick and I will see a nice dark positive! I don't just want to be pregnant, I want to be pregnant with a super healthy/sticky bean!!

Results

The Results are in....

Negative/normal

Let's recap: Eric and I decided to have the recurrent miscarriage test for the two types of blood clotting disorders/auto-immune. Also I had my glucose levels test, due to the PCOS. 

All came back normal! I'm super excited because it a huge relief but also a little sad because the reason I've lost two babies is still unknown to me. Yes, they were probably just freak accidents that "just" happened. There is another chromosomal test we can do if it happens again. We will be getting Eric's semen analysis done to double check him. I will be taking a baby aspirin a day just as a pro-cation. My RE has seen those two test come back fine but the ladies still have miscarriage, they go on baby aspirin and they get pregnant and stay pregnant! That's what I want and I will take another pill a day to get that!

We will be starting clomid again once AF shows her face and we will go from there. My clomid amount will not change seeing as it's worked. I'm thinking about doing an IUI to make sure good spremies get up there and it gives me a little bit higher of a chance to make sure they get to the eggs!

I will update once I know more but for once, I am happy with a negative/normal test!

Fingers crossed for a August or September baby!!

I AM...

I lite my two candles tonight at 7pm. I am a mom to three: one amazing little girl and two sweet angel babies.

October 15th of every year is National Pregnancy/Infant Loss Remembrance Day. 1 in 4 woman will experience a miscarriage or the loss of a baby. Please take a moment and say a prayer for all the woman affected by this silent tragedy and the babies who were too beautiful for earth.

On this day, I don't feel so alone.

Spotting, Period...Urgh!

Depressed. Yup, that's me. Not really but slightly a little more down then normal. I just want another baby. I see all the fertile ladies out there and it doesn't make me angry or mad, it makes me sad. I want that. I want to have no worries about having my 3-4 kids I want to complete my little family. I have one amazing little girl. She is perfect to me and I want her to be able to have 2-3 brothers and sisters to play with. I know it will happen, everything happens in time.

So lets back track - I spotted the whole week before my period was due, dark brown mixed with some red. It stop the Monday after my period was due. Went a couple days with nothing and then that Friday, I started spotting pink. Sunday I start bleeding a little heavier then spotting and now I'm having a real AF. So yup, that's what's up and who in the hell knows what it means. I know I don't.

Oh....you are wondering if I ever took a pregnancy test....Nope. I'm too scared now a days. I only want to see one when I know for sure that it is a sticky, healthy baby growing within. It was best for me not to look.
Plus doc really didn't want us trying on our own, I guess I should have listen. It would a much easier wait. I don't think I was pregnant, I had no cramps like the 1st missed miscarriage and the last chemical pregnancy. I could tell something was happening. This time, nothing just bleeding.

We met with him sometime in the next couple of weeks to talk about testing and options for the next go around. Now a days I can get pregnant but I can't stay pregnant and that plainly sucks!

I just hope I can get some much needed answers and a much need preggo belly with a nice healthy baby growing within very very soon.

Life will go on, I'm just (trying) to take it one day at a time!

Who The Hell Knows?!

That's right...who the hell knows what is going on with my body.

Let's recap:

Got my period
started using ovulation sticks after period was done
got a positive
a week later started spotting brown
spotted brown for almost exactly a week
Now nothing...

I too scared to test, I know I should. I just don't get my body. Urgh! Why can't I just be some what normal. I will probably test in a day or two. My boobs hurt pretty bad yesterday and I'm bloated so either A. my period is slowly coming or B. I'm pregnant, again!

It was....

POSITIVE

Let's hope that my body can follow through with an amazingly strong egg release!

I had some major cramps last night so I think that had to be a good sign. I at least hope it was. Like I said before, I'm not trying to get my hopes too high but I have faith that one of these times God will bless Eric and I with a super healthy, sticky, long lasting baby brother or sister for Claire.

I just pray I made the right decision. I really want this to be it.

Dear God.

Please bless us as we are on this wild ride. Life is full of ups and downs and even these moments aren't really down, they are just small bumps in the road. I so badly want another baby. A baby brother or sister for Claire to play with, laugh with, argue with and everything else sibling "love" is all about. I pray that Eric and I can do this on our own, like a normal healthy trying to conceive couple. It's hard to feel broken. I pray you grant me healthy and that those last two times were something that we had no control over or anything we did. Please let us get pregnant with a healthy, sticky baby. A miracle baby. I know you know how much I want this child and all the future ones. Please bless us, keep us all safe and healthy. Our family is strong and so full of love. We are ready to spread that love to another child.

Amen. 

SO close...

It's SO close to positive....SO very VERY close!! We will make sure to cover our bases over the next few nights!! Fingers crossed!

Testing...

Testing...I've been using my ovulation test and things are happening. They are slowly getting darker! I'm just waiting for the moment that it's actually a positive! I am having "other" signs that ovulation is in the near future! I hope I can do this on my own. It would be awesome, amazing, and a true miracle if we can do this on our own this month. I'm not counting my chickens before they hatch but I'm saying an extra prayer and crossing my fingers a little harder this month!

Another One Bites the Dust

Although I never thought for a million years I was pregnant this time around. I mean come on, I saw a freakin' negative a day after my period should have been here. I guess that was my first clue I missed. My period wasn't here. It wasn't here because I was having a chemical pregnancy.

I went to the doctor on Monday for more blood work and an u/s and the u/s showed nothing! There might have been a small tiny dot that could have been something that tried to implant. My tubes looked clear and so I was a little less worried about a tubal pregnancy. My blood work came back and my beta was dropping nicely. From 180 to 46. I went back Thursday a.m. for more blood work and my beta dropped even more to 11 so it was safe to say we were having another miscarriage and there was no chance of a tubal! Thank heavens!

To me, this wasn't a true miscarriage. I would consider it more of a chemical pregnancy - one that never implants. I feel the two are very different but still, I got pregnant and can't keep them around too long. WTF. I had Claire fine. No help, no worries. Carried her to term and she was healthy. We are confused. Something changed in my body in the last 3 years. We are going to do some additional testing to see if something is up or if these two were just freak accidents.

This one hasn't hit me too hard because I didn't even realize I was pregnant until it was too late. I had basically two days to think about a baby within. By the third day I was cramping and my beta was dropping. That night, my period arrived!

Doc wants to wait a couple of months, I'm saying I will take this month off and try again in Oct. I hope he agrees. I want to get a move on things and get a sticky/healthy bean inside of me. I think we will be brave souls and try and IUI next time. That way only healthy and correct shaped sperm get in and get to the egg!

Time will tell what the future holds but I hope it holds many more babies!

WTF

WTF is SO what's swirling around in my head! You know how I was waiting for AF to show her head and get cycle 2 going, well she didn't show. I went in for blood work Friday afternoon to see what's up. What's up is I'm "pregnant"! I know right, WTF? I got a negative,no line test last Wednesday night - two days after AF was suppose to be here. NOW you are telling me I'm preggo?! Eric and I were SO confused. My levels are low so either a) it's a natural miscarriage b) it's ectopic c) I ovulated later then except (even with the trigger shot). I don't know what to think but I know for sure I had under 20ml of hcg in my system last Wednesday night and now I have much more! It's crazy. I'm confused and pissed. If my doctor is correct and this is an inconclusive pregnancy, which probably won't work - I'm super pissed. What is up with my freakin' body. Two 1st times getting pregnant but possible two not sticky beans - URGH! It's hard to have hope when your doctor doesn't. He's trying to compare last time with this time - he can't. Last time I got a positive the day after my period and this time I didn't. It was NEGATIVE. So maybe I ovulated late and/or implanted a little later. I don't know what's up but I haven't been the best pregnant girl because I didn't think I was pregnant! OMG! Why, WHY me!

Blood work and u/s tomorrow morning. Hopefully I will know more soon. I guess we can cross our fingers for late ovulation...we shall see!

Spotting and Waiting

Well I suppose to have AF but instead I have on and off brown/tan spotting. Urgh. Why? Why me? I just want me period to come and we can move on to the next cycle. I've never had this happen to me before. The two times before we got pregnant with Claire, AF started on her own. The last time, no AF = pregnant. Now, nothing. I don't know whats going on. I called my RE office yesterday and she said the NP will call me tomorrow (today). I hope they get me in for a blood test and u/s just to make sure everything is okay. I'm just hoping and wishing that AF will start. Ha, you don't know many people that wish that!

Update soon!

This Is What Keeps Me Going...

She is makes everything better! She is my sunshine. I love her to the moon and back!

On To The Next...

Well, my test had one line so now I'm just waiting on Aunt Flo to show her ugly, ugly face. Then it will be on to Cycle two. I was sad at first but now I'm fine. I'm fine because I would rather it happen and happen right. Right meaning: healthy and very sticky. Last time it happened the first cycle and it ended in a not so good way. Maybe we are meant for a May baby? That sounds nice to me.

Truthfully, I have some relief in not having to worry because once I see those lovely two lines, the worrying will commence to the highest level it can and that's not fun. I will be thrilled, over joyed and elated that I'm pregnant but now I'm one of those people who have to get past the miscarriage hump and that can feel like light years away.

I know my time will come. Baby Sam is up there with God, waiting for the right moment to help pick out the perfect, super healthy baby brother or sister for Claire. I have faith and hope!

Hopefully I will update soon when I see the Doc!

TGIF everyone.

Don't Know What to Think or Feel

Well here I sit, 10dpo and I have a few symptoms here and there but I'm seriously not trying to think to much about the whole situation. I'm taking everything day by day. If AF shows, she should be here around Tuesday. I really hope she stays away but I think everyone at 10dpo feels "out". It's natural to have doubts and I'm just trying to be natural!

Symptoms so far:

I'm always wet feeling. My undies have water marks (TMI, I know but it's true). Watery/stretchy cm.

On/off cramps since last week

A little "off" feeling

There are other things but I don't know if it's pregnancy relate or not: gassy, tender boobs on/off since last week(probably progesterone), bloated, stuffy nose, vivid dreams since a few days ago.

Oh well, I guess we will have to wait and see! Fingers and toes crossed PLEASE

I Want Baby

**STICKY BABY VIBES

and 

PRAYERS for a healthy, sticky baby(ies)! PLEASE**

I officially hate the TWW!

Ovulation

Ovulation as occurred (I'm pretty sure). I had some bloating and cramping Tuesday afternoon which would have been over 24 hours since my trigger shot. I think we covered our bases! I'm hoping for good (healthy) results. I just hope if there's a baby forming in there, that I get some symptoms pretty sure! I just pray it's healthy! No matter a boy or girl or both, I just want a healthy, sticky baby!! Fingers crossed!!

Trigger Time

My second u/s went very well considering three days ago I had two okay sized follicles today I had a 22 on my right and a 15 on my left. I triggered this afternoon around noon with the help of my nurse friend, Allison! I should ovulated 24-40 hours from the time I took the shot. Fingers and toes are crossed! Send us some good vibes and some positive thoughts!!

1st U/S

I had my first follicle check on Friday - I have two. One on each side, a 13 and a 14. Now we have to cross our fingers both or at least one grows to the proper size so we can induce ovulation with the lovely hcg trigger shot. I go back tomorrow for U/S #2. Hopefully things will be looking up! I have to have faith, I have to have hope. I just have to believe in something!

Reading About Others, Gives Me Hope

A blog I follow has been through SO much over the last 5 months. She had her first baby Nov 2009 through IVF and recently they've been working on number 2. She's gone through FET cycles, another fresh IVF cycle and finally another FET cycle. Through it all she's had 3 miscarriages and finally she is healthy and pregnant with baby #2. Reading and following, hoping and praying for her it has given me some hope. Hope that I'm not alone and sometimes what you are going through, others are going through something a lot worse. Life is full of unpredictable moments, especially with a life of infertility. I just hope that my miracle baby #2 will be with us shortly. The passion and want is getting so high. Thankfully, I have Claire that settles it most of the time with her 2 year old behavior! It gives me the patients I need to hold on, to know that sometime I will have baby #2 in my belly and then in my arms.

I took my last Clomid pill on Sunday. Now here we are, it's Tuesday. I've been a little crampy on and off. Not sure if that means I am going to ovulated sooner then my u/s appointment (which is day 14) or if my ovaries are working in over drive making more then one egg to release. I'm okay with twins. I actually had a dream around the time I lost baby "Sam", that next time I get pregnant I will be pregnant with twins because "Sam" was taking away to soon from me so God would bless me with two miracle babies. No matter one or two. I will be thrilled!

At least this month, I know I have a chance. A chance like everyone else who is "normal". I probably just want it 10x worse then those "normal" ladies!

Day 4

Today will be Clomid day 4, cycle day 8. I'm feeling good, trying to stay confident. I go back Friday for a follicle check. I'm actually nervous that nothing will be happening. Last time I ovulated later but I ovulated. I hope that I ovulated on 50mg. I don't want to waste a month, just to start over next month with a stronger pill. I've been praying. We're in the middle of trying to find some place to live. Renting is fine as long as we are saving a little or rent-to-own. It's stressful because the area we want is very competitive and everyone wants to rent/rent-to-own in the area so condos/town-homes/homes for rent get snatched up very quickly! I know everything will work out. We have faith and that's all that matters.

And It Begins...

Today is the day, Day 1 of Clomid on CD5. I'm excited and nervous but truthfully I'm trying not to think about it too much. I'm going with the flow and hoping it's flowing in the correct direction. I go back to Doc next Friday CD14 for an follicle check! From now until then, I will take my clomid, DD with the hubby and pray!

Cycle 1

Cycle 1 started Saturday! I called Doc and I'm going in tomorrow afternoon for an u/s and blood work. I'm not getting my hopes up because I know it happening on the 1st try is slim to none. I wanted to happen as soon as possible but more importantly I want it to happen and stay. Let the "fun" begin!

I Think My "Visitor" Should Be Here Soon

Yup, I'm pretty sure my special friend is right around the corner. The progesterone has been stopped and now we wait. Spotting has started. I'm thinking we missed ovulation last month but seriously, I'm not bummed. I never expected for that to happen. Who knows it could have been my hormones playing a joke. Anywho -I'm really excited that this month, we have a chance like all the "normal" couples out there. I'm not looking forward to all the doctor appointments, blood draws, u/s, meds etc.. but I will do ANYTHING for baby number 2. I know baby B, now named Sam, is looking down and picking out the healthiest brother or sister for Claire. I will keep you posted, with my upcoming appointments. I will be calling doc as soon as AF shows her very ugly face. Praying for one (or two) healthy bean(s) this time around!

Feeling Out

I feel out. I'm starting to second guess myself. I know this is a miracle that I ovulated on my own. I should just be working to start my period now I'm sitting her in my TWW, wondering and wishing. I just hope we might, by some far chance we caught the egg. The egg that  after two whole months of spotting and bleeding decided to be released! I have to hang on to some hope because with infertility you are always holding on to hope because with out hope it's a very lonely and long process! It's in God's hands as it always as been!

Two Lines That Match

I think I might have ovulated, get this ON MY OWN! WHAT! Thursday I started having physical signs and then again on Saturday. A LOT of physical signs! I took an ovulation test out of a whim and bam, there it was two lines that matched! They were the same color, meaning I'm ovulating, ovulated or going to ovulate! Anyway you want to say it, I'm doing what I should be doing! HA. Even after two months of bleeding!

I also called my RE on Friday like I said I was going to. He instructed to take a HPT, if negative (which it was) to go ahead a start my left over progesterone, 2 times a day for 10 days. I haven't yet taken it because of this whole ovulation thing that happened. I am going to start tomorrow and then call my RE back on Tuesday to see what we will want me to do, continue or stop the progesterone!

I'm just hoping we have caught the egg. It will truly be a miracle and I believe in miracles!

Tomorrow

I'm calling my RE tomorrow! Hells Ya! I kinda have a feeling that I'm ovulating ::lost of EWCM:: but that could be my PCOS deceiving me! No matter what I am calling tomorrow and see if they can get me in next week for blood work to see if I did ovulated, if not I will start progesterone to jump start my period, which in turn means starting a new cycle of meds, blood work and u/s. I'm SO so SO excited! I'm ready to be pregnant with one (or two..sorry hun, it might happen) little bundle(s) of healthy, sticky joy! Fingers and Toes crossed that soon we will be with babe!

I'm READY

I'm READY to:


Jump backing on the trying for baby #2 bandwagon!

I'm ready to call my RE on Friday.

I'm actually excited to start over! A clean start!

I'm ready for my blood work and ultrasounds

I'm ready for my anxious TWW

I'm ready to see two lines, the word PREGNANT or a plus sign!

I'm ready to have a healthy, sticky baby growing within me.

I'm ready to start new, not feel bad for myself and not miss my baby B so much.

I'm ready feel full and happy again.

I'm ready not to feel broken!

I'm SO ready!!

Come on JULY

I am ready to officially move on. Come ON July 1st! That is the day I get to call my RE and see whats up. I've been bleeding like a period and then it stops and then comes back so right now I think my hormones are screwy! I know everything will get evened out and explained in a couple weeks. I can't wait. I really hope month #1 is another lucky one for us because I'm SO ready for baby #2! This time, I hope he/she sticks around a little longer! I just pray all the time for the strength to do this again and I hope baby B is up there right now picking out the perfect brother or sister (healthy and stronge) for their sister Claire! Come on JULY 1st, where are you?!

A Vivid Dream

One of my mom's on my facebook July 2009 group, just told me that she had a vivid dream about me getting my bfp. Wouldn't that be AWESOME! I really hope she's correct. I would LOVE a natural bfp but I'll take a medicate one too. Anything that will get us a healthy, sticky, long lasting bean. A girl can dream right, well I'm praying and dreaming A LOT these days. Thank goodness I have C.C., she keeps me going and gets my mind off of a lot. I'm so thankful for her. Well, here's to hoping a sticky bfp is in my, I mean our future! Maybe we should start BD a little more! ;)

Blah

Blah. I'm blah today. It sucks. I should be pregnant but I'm not. It's just one of those Mondays that have me down. On a happy note, a person I know from Facebook after 4 years of  ttc is pregnant, natural. That is proof that miracles can happen. Hopefully my miracle happens soon!

I think I just got done with my period but who knows. I would love to get pregnant on our own but I'm not holding my breathe. Either way July will come and our journey to baby #2 can continue and hopefully, God willing have a "happy ever after" ending!

Beta 2 & 3

Beta 2: 60
Beta 3: 8

So soon I will officially not be "preggo" any more! I can't wait to get the next show on the road. Today was a sad, feeling sorry for myself kind of day. I just think about how I should be almost 15 weeks pregnant and realize, nope, not pregnant. It sucks, it's a horrible feeling to feel! Next period or early July we will get the ball rolling again (if it doesn't happen naturally this month - fingers and toes crossed, how awesome would that be!).

Beta Day

Well, I still "am pregnant" according to my blood work. 126 to be exact. They want it to be under 5. It's only be not even two weeks and my RE told me it usually takes 4-6 weeks for a beta to go completely down. I was hoping for some small miracle that mine went down super fast and we could start thinking about #2 again. Oh well. Soon enough I guess. I will call today to schedule my next beta for sometime next week, seeing that in two weeks will be in California having a relaxing family vacation. Something we all could use!

My Dream

Reading this ALWAYS makes me feel better! Every word in this is true, so very true!

My Dream

"There are women that become mothers without effort, without thought, without patience or loss and though they are good mothers and love their children, I know that I will be better.

I will be better not because of genetics, or money or that I have read more books, but because I have struggled and toiled for this child. I have longed and waited. I have cried and prayed. I have endured and planned over and over again. Like most things in life, the people who truly have appreciation are those who have struggled to attain their dreams.

I will notice everything about my child. I will take time to watch my child sleep, explore and discover. I will marvel at this miracle every day for the rest of my life. I will be happy when I wake in the middle of the night to the sound of my child, knowing that I can comfort, hold and feed him and that I am not waking to take another temperature, pop another pill, take another shot or cry tears of a broken dream. My dream will be crying for me.

I count myself lucky in this sense; that God has given me this insight, this special vision with which I will look upon my child that my friends will not see. Whether I parent a child I actually give birth to or a child that God leads me to, I will not be careless with my love. I will be a better mother for all that I have endured. I am a better wife, a better aunt, a better daughter, neighbor, friend and sister because I have known pain. I know disillusionment as I have been betrayed by my own body, I have been tried by fire and hell many never face, yet given time, I stood tall. I have prevailed. I have succeeded. I have won.

So now, when others hurt around me, I do not run from their pain in order to save myself discomfort. I see it, mourn it, and join them in theirs. I listen. And even though I cannot make it better, I can make it less lonely. I have learned the immerse power of another hand holding tight to mine, of other eyes that moisten as they learn to accept the harsh truth and when life is beyond hard. I have learned a compassion that only comes with walking in those shoes.I have learned to appreciate life.Yes, I will be a wonderful mother." - Unknown

Over A Week

Well it's been over a week now since we got the news. I've had my good and bad moments. Mother's Day was the hardest so far. It was suppose to be a happy day, which it was a perfect day. It was just also a sad one for me. I kept thinking how I was suppose to be pregnant with baby b but instead I was empty inside. Once I got past that day, I've been better. I'm ready to start over and try again. I know that we are meant to have more babies, we love them too much. Then wasn't our time but I'm hoping so will be! I'm living on love, hope and faith! I trust God, He knows what He's doing!

The bleeding has pretty much turned to spotting so thankful that part is almost finished. I go next week for a follow up beta, I hoping it's zero or close to it.

The End

This is the end. With u/s confirmation baby #2 (now referred to as baby b) didn't grow and had no heartbeat. Which call it motherly instinct or a gut feeling, I knew all a long that something, just something wasn't right. Even with the morning sickness and sore breast, we weren't connected. I never "felt" pregnant. By that, I feel it was my way of coming to terms with something that was about to happen. Maybe it was God's way of preparing me.

The doctor gave us his speech, which I replied rather quickly, "It's okay, I'm really fine. No worries!" He gave us our options. We went with option 3 - "the pill". The pills (which you took by mouth) were painless, well, they caused pain but were simple enough to take. 4 now and 4 in 12 hours. The miscarriage start around 6 hours after taking the 1st 4 pills. It was the middle of the night, the cramps started (which I was prescribed Tylenol with codeine and still haven't used). I went to the bathroom and things had begun. I prepared myself as I walked down the hall way to the bathroom saying, "You will see red blood and that's okay".


The bleeding hasn't been too bad but I am prone to heavy bleeding periods and the cramps come and go and so far no medicine has been need (but I do have a strong tolerance for pain - thank goodness at a time like this). Mentally, I think I'm in disbelief but again, I never "felt" pregnant the entire month I new. Now, I'm just taking my emotions day by day and getting through each one. It's harder some days then others simple because of Facebook and all the pregnant  and baby announcements make me sad. I just think of all the wasted time and that makes me mad. I know I could have had a health baby, leading to a healthy pregnancy but that wasn't the case.

 I go back in two weeks for a beta draw. We will see where my levels are at that time and go for there. My doctor waits 6 weeks for non-regular period women (that's me) to start a new cycle again. We are again in the waiting processes but hopefully next time it will have a happy ending!

Not Sure

I'm nausea, my boobs are bigger and hurt on and off,  I have heartburn, smells bother the crap out of me but yet I'm spotting. Urgh. I hate spotting. HATE it. It's been happening on and off for a couple weeks, pink and brown. Lasting a little bit and then it's gone. Today I woke up to diluted redish colored blood - yippy. Something new to dwell on and worry about. I have another u/s on Monday and I'm sure we will be getting bad news but at least I am ready for it. The spotting which didn't even fill a panty liner has turned to a brownish/tan/yellowy color. Good, maybe? Who knows. Well, God knows and it's all in his hands. What ever will be will be and future is ours to see. I'm really holding strong to my thoughts that if this doesn't work out, I've always ALWAYS (since high school) wanted my kids 3 years apart. So if it's sooner great, if not that's okay too. I will tell you this though, number 3 (when and if number 2 is a stickin' around or whenever it happens again) we will try for number 3 as soon as he/she is 6 months+ naturally and if I'm still "broken" and need help, we will wait until a year when I wean from breastfeeding. Urgh. I should be happy and excited but truthfully I haven't been. I've been SO cautious that I'm not enjoying the moment, instead I'm worried about the future.

U/S #2

I went in thinking, it's over, there will be no heartbeat but to my huge surprise, there was. The NP did my internal u/s and she was alittle rough, it kind of hurt. After all the measurements and me looking at the ceiling, she said, here is the a nice size gestiontal sac, the yolk sac and the baby with a heartbeat. I looked and said, "really?" I was in shock, happy but still  cautious! I go back in two weeks for another u/s and if everything checks out as okay, then I get released to my regular ob. It's crazy. As of now I am pregnant. I have some hope but am not getting my hopes that everything will be perfect up too high. Stick baby stick.

U/S

Well I had my u/s yesterday- everything is measuring okay (6 weeks) but we couldn't see a heartbeat. We saw, gestational sac, yolk sac and a small fetal pole.  I know that's it's really early and we are at the start of "you may or may not" be able to see the heartbeat. I'm actually okay. I've actually googled the sh*t out of the topic and found it could go either way. Many ladies say they went in for the 6 week scan and saw no heartbeat but saw a heartbeat a week or two later, others never saw a heartbeat and some said that their doctors don't even do u/s until 7+ weeks because before that it's just too early. I'm just happy to know that it's a) not ectopic (so it can not hurt me) and b) it's not a blight ovum(which means an empty gestational sac) there is hope. Although I have none, there is a glimmer. I know it's all out of my hands, it's all up to God and the little bean within. If he wants a heartbeat, then he will have to work hard to grow, change and get that little heart a flickering. I go back on Monday to see if anything as changed. I'm not expecting much. I just hope if this bean isn't stronge that we can get back to ttc baby #2 very soon. If not now, I know soon enough I will be pregnant with a stronge, healthy baby bean.  ::Sticky baby vibes:: ::heart vibes::

Beta

Beta Results:

18dpo: 257
22dpo: 1295

doubling time 33 hours (under 2 days)! Stick Baby Stick!! Praying long and hard for this baby!

First u/s next Tuesday at 6pm, I'll be 6 weeks 2 days (from ovulation)

Symptoms as of now:
very mild cramp/pressure that comes and goes
sore nipples and slightly sore boobs
nothing sounds good but I am hungry.
bloated
tired
moody

Fingers and toes crossed for a very sticky (in the uterus) and healthy bean!

Another Positive

I took my last pregnancy test this morning and it's still positive and darker then the last two! I'm happy but extremely cautious. Eric and I are the only one's that know and to me, right now, that's okay. I want to make sure everything is okay before yelling it from the roof top! Nausea as kicked in a little bit, not too bad, just more a slight stomach ache and really no appetite at all. Heartburn last night wasn't too fun, I really didn't miss that. I had a few sips of juice and a cookie after church and wham, heartburn. I forgot how easy it can come on. I feel happy to be having some symptoms so early on, (4wks 3days). I go in for a blood test tomorrow to make sure via blood test, that I'm actually preggo. Thoughts and prayers and very sticky baby bean vibes are welcomed. I know I've been praying a lot for a happy, healthy and very sticky little bean! Update tomorrow!

15DPO

It was positive...the best two lines I've ever seen. Took two yesterday (15dpo) and two today (16dpo) and all 4 are positive! I go for blood work Friday afternoon. Fingers and toes crossed that this is one sticky little bean!

AF Due Date

Well, today is the day my AF is due, 14 dpo. I'm still expecting AF to show her head at any given moment. I will probably wait it out (I know, you all think I'm crazy) until probably Wednesday or Friday to take a test. I know that AF still could be looming in the distance so I don't want to jump the gun and assume, yup I'm pregnant because that's not me. I don't do that. I always assume the negative because if it is negative, I was already thinking that way and if it's a positive then I will be overly happy because I was assuming the opposite. Weird, I know but it's who I am and it's the way I think. Well, keep your "pregnancy sticky baby vibes" coming my way and maybe your fingers crossed too ( you know for extra luck)! Well, I will update as the week moves on - AF or no.

Symptoms so far:
None really- maybe some sensitive nipples (slight), tired at night, hungry more, very wet (TMI) in the morning- when I wake up, get out of bed my pants and undies are not soaking but you can see a water mark on my undies. I just feel wet. No nausea or anything (but with DD1, it didn't start until 6 weeks).

I Feel Out

I just feel out this month. I'm 8po and all I feel are some AF/pms type cramps that come and go. Boo. Well, there's always next month if this isn't the month. I know I'm still somewhat early - I just hope (wishing on a star, fingers crossed type hoping) that I will get a new surprising good symptom or sign in the up coming days. We shall see. Here's to hoping!

The Two Week Wait

Well, it's been a journey so far. I found out last Friday I had two good size follicles that were ready to go. One on the right was 18.5 and the one on the left was 16.5. I was so happy - I went in the Tuesday before and I had two but they were little 11 and 10. I was scared that 50mg of Clomid was going to be a bust, thankful I was wrong! The nurse wanted me to use my HCG trigger on Saturday night. Eric gave me the shot, no biggy there. I'm pretty sure I ovulated on Monday. I had very bad cramps for an hour or so and then they subsided. They felt like AF type cramps so I'm guessing ovualtion was what was occuring, which was in the right time frame for the HCG trigger shot to release my eggs (one or both). Now we are offically in the two week wait! I'm trying not to think too much about it but I've been cramp and a little tight in the pelvic region- good or bad...I don't know! My fingers are crossed and many prayers have been asked!

Tic Toc Tic Toc

Just waiting for AF to start. I don't think I've wanted my period to start so bad ever. I want to get this show on the road but AF has to show her face before getting baby #2 ball rolling. Again, AF is in control. Here's to hoping she will show her face in the very near future! I just so excited for everything to happen!!

Happy Sunday

The Beginning

Welcome!

I'm starting my second blog to document our quest for baby number 2.

Let me tell you a little bit about myself. I'm Megan - 25 (26 next month). I have always, always had irregular periods. You know the ones that come and go as the please. Sometimes not showing it's face for months on end. Ever since high school, I've always had the feeling that something was just "off". I would say over and over again, "I'm scared I won't be able to have babies." That became reality a year and a half after my husband (Eric) and I were married. We both thought it would be a perfect time to start trying to make our family, a family of three. Everything would have been easy and simple but there was one little thing, I did not have my periods for over 4 months.

One month of testing, one month of clomid, one canceled cycle due to a cyst which lead to one healthy baby.

Now that one healthy baby, is my daughter Claire. She's now a 18 months old ball of energy and we are ready to make her a big sister!

Let the adventure begin...