Wednesday, May 18, 2011
Beta Day
Well, I still "am pregnant" according to my blood work. 126 to be exact. They want it to be under 5. It's only be not even two weeks and my RE told me it usually takes 4-6 weeks for a beta to go completely down. I was hoping for some small miracle that mine went down super fast and we could start thinking about #2 again. Oh well. Soon enough I guess. I will call today to schedule my next beta for sometime next week, seeing that in two weeks will be in California having a relaxing family vacation. Something we all could use!
Monday, May 16, 2011
My Dream
Reading this ALWAYS makes me feel better! Every word in this is true, so very true!
My Dream
"There are women that become mothers without effort, without thought, without patience or loss and though they are good mothers and love their children, I know that I will be better.
I will be better not because of genetics, or money or that I have read more books, but because I have struggled and toiled for this child. I have longed and waited. I have cried and prayed. I have endured and planned over and over again. Like most things in life, the people who truly have appreciation are those who have struggled to attain their dreams.
I will notice everything about my child. I will take time to watch my child sleep, explore and discover. I will marvel at this miracle every day for the rest of my life. I will be happy when I wake in the middle of the night to the sound of my child, knowing that I can comfort, hold and feed him and that I am not waking to take another temperature, pop another pill, take another shot or cry tears of a broken dream. My dream will be crying for me.
I count myself lucky in this sense; that God has given me this insight, this special vision with which I will look upon my child that my friends will not see. Whether I parent a child I actually give birth to or a child that God leads me to, I will not be careless with my love. I will be a better mother for all that I have endured. I am a better wife, a better aunt, a better daughter, neighbor, friend and sister because I have known pain. I know disillusionment as I have been betrayed by my own body, I have been tried by fire and hell many never face, yet given time, I stood tall. I have prevailed. I have succeeded. I have won.
So now, when others hurt around me, I do not run from their pain in order to save myself discomfort. I see it, mourn it, and join them in theirs. I listen. And even though I cannot make it better, I can make it less lonely. I have learned the immerse power of another hand holding tight to mine, of other eyes that moisten as they learn to accept the harsh truth and when life is beyond hard. I have learned a compassion that only comes with walking in those shoes.I have learned to appreciate life.Yes, I will be a wonderful mother." - Unknown
My Dream
"There are women that become mothers without effort, without thought, without patience or loss and though they are good mothers and love their children, I know that I will be better.
I will be better not because of genetics, or money or that I have read more books, but because I have struggled and toiled for this child. I have longed and waited. I have cried and prayed. I have endured and planned over and over again. Like most things in life, the people who truly have appreciation are those who have struggled to attain their dreams.
I will notice everything about my child. I will take time to watch my child sleep, explore and discover. I will marvel at this miracle every day for the rest of my life. I will be happy when I wake in the middle of the night to the sound of my child, knowing that I can comfort, hold and feed him and that I am not waking to take another temperature, pop another pill, take another shot or cry tears of a broken dream. My dream will be crying for me.
I count myself lucky in this sense; that God has given me this insight, this special vision with which I will look upon my child that my friends will not see. Whether I parent a child I actually give birth to or a child that God leads me to, I will not be careless with my love. I will be a better mother for all that I have endured. I am a better wife, a better aunt, a better daughter, neighbor, friend and sister because I have known pain. I know disillusionment as I have been betrayed by my own body, I have been tried by fire and hell many never face, yet given time, I stood tall. I have prevailed. I have succeeded. I have won.
So now, when others hurt around me, I do not run from their pain in order to save myself discomfort. I see it, mourn it, and join them in theirs. I listen. And even though I cannot make it better, I can make it less lonely. I have learned the immerse power of another hand holding tight to mine, of other eyes that moisten as they learn to accept the harsh truth and when life is beyond hard. I have learned a compassion that only comes with walking in those shoes.I have learned to appreciate life.Yes, I will be a wonderful mother." - Unknown
Wednesday, May 11, 2011
Over A Week
Well it's been over a week now since we got the news. I've had my good and bad moments. Mother's Day was the hardest so far. It was suppose to be a happy day, which it was a perfect day. It was just also a sad one for me. I kept thinking how I was suppose to be pregnant with baby b but instead I was empty inside. Once I got past that day, I've been better. I'm ready to start over and try again. I know that we are meant to have more babies, we love them too much. Then wasn't our time but I'm hoping so will be! I'm living on love, hope and faith! I trust God, He knows what He's doing!
The bleeding has pretty much turned to spotting so thankful that part is almost finished. I go next week for a follow up beta, I hoping it's zero or close to it.
The bleeding has pretty much turned to spotting so thankful that part is almost finished. I go next week for a follow up beta, I hoping it's zero or close to it.
Thursday, May 5, 2011
The End
This is the end. With u/s confirmation baby #2 (now referred to as baby b) didn't grow and had no heartbeat. Which call it motherly instinct or a gut feeling, I knew all a long that something, just something wasn't right. Even with the morning sickness and sore breast, we weren't connected. I never "felt" pregnant. By that, I feel it was my way of coming to terms with something that was about to happen. Maybe it was God's way of preparing me.
The doctor gave us his speech, which I replied rather quickly, "It's okay, I'm really fine. No worries!" He gave us our options. We went with option 3 - "the pill". The pills (which you took by mouth) were painless, well, they caused pain but were simple enough to take. 4 now and 4 in 12 hours. The miscarriage start around 6 hours after taking the 1st 4 pills. It was the middle of the night, the cramps started (which I was prescribed Tylenol with codeine and still haven't used). I went to the bathroom and things had begun. I prepared myself as I walked down the hall way to the bathroom saying, "You will see red blood and that's okay".
The bleeding hasn't been too bad but I am prone to heavy bleeding periods and the cramps come and go and so far no medicine has been need (but I do have a strong tolerance for pain - thank goodness at a time like this). Mentally, I think I'm in disbelief but again, I never "felt" pregnant the entire month I new. Now, I'm just taking my emotions day by day and getting through each one. It's harder some days then others simple because of Facebook and all the pregnant and baby announcements make me sad. I just think of all the wasted time and that makes me mad. I know I could have had a health baby, leading to a healthy pregnancy but that wasn't the case.
I go back in two weeks for a beta draw. We will see where my levels are at that time and go for there. My doctor waits 6 weeks for non-regular period women (that's me) to start a new cycle again. We are again in the waiting processes but hopefully next time it will have a happy ending!
The doctor gave us his speech, which I replied rather quickly, "It's okay, I'm really fine. No worries!" He gave us our options. We went with option 3 - "the pill". The pills (which you took by mouth) were painless, well, they caused pain but were simple enough to take. 4 now and 4 in 12 hours. The miscarriage start around 6 hours after taking the 1st 4 pills. It was the middle of the night, the cramps started (which I was prescribed Tylenol with codeine and still haven't used). I went to the bathroom and things had begun. I prepared myself as I walked down the hall way to the bathroom saying, "You will see red blood and that's okay".
The bleeding hasn't been too bad but I am prone to heavy bleeding periods and the cramps come and go and so far no medicine has been need (but I do have a strong tolerance for pain - thank goodness at a time like this). Mentally, I think I'm in disbelief but again, I never "felt" pregnant the entire month I new. Now, I'm just taking my emotions day by day and getting through each one. It's harder some days then others simple because of Facebook and all the pregnant and baby announcements make me sad. I just think of all the wasted time and that makes me mad. I know I could have had a health baby, leading to a healthy pregnancy but that wasn't the case.
I go back in two weeks for a beta draw. We will see where my levels are at that time and go for there. My doctor waits 6 weeks for non-regular period women (that's me) to start a new cycle again. We are again in the waiting processes but hopefully next time it will have a happy ending!
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