I AM...

I lite my two candles tonight at 7pm. I am a mom to three: one amazing little girl and two sweet angel babies.

October 15th of every year is National Pregnancy/Infant Loss Remembrance Day. 1 in 4 woman will experience a miscarriage or the loss of a baby. Please take a moment and say a prayer for all the woman affected by this silent tragedy and the babies who were too beautiful for earth.

On this day, I don't feel so alone.

Spotting, Period...Urgh!

Depressed. Yup, that's me. Not really but slightly a little more down then normal. I just want another baby. I see all the fertile ladies out there and it doesn't make me angry or mad, it makes me sad. I want that. I want to have no worries about having my 3-4 kids I want to complete my little family. I have one amazing little girl. She is perfect to me and I want her to be able to have 2-3 brothers and sisters to play with. I know it will happen, everything happens in time.

So lets back track - I spotted the whole week before my period was due, dark brown mixed with some red. It stop the Monday after my period was due. Went a couple days with nothing and then that Friday, I started spotting pink. Sunday I start bleeding a little heavier then spotting and now I'm having a real AF. So yup, that's what's up and who in the hell knows what it means. I know I don't.

Oh....you are wondering if I ever took a pregnancy test....Nope. I'm too scared now a days. I only want to see one when I know for sure that it is a sticky, healthy baby growing within. It was best for me not to look.
Plus doc really didn't want us trying on our own, I guess I should have listen. It would a much easier wait. I don't think I was pregnant, I had no cramps like the 1st missed miscarriage and the last chemical pregnancy. I could tell something was happening. This time, nothing just bleeding.

We met with him sometime in the next couple of weeks to talk about testing and options for the next go around. Now a days I can get pregnant but I can't stay pregnant and that plainly sucks!

I just hope I can get some much needed answers and a much need preggo belly with a nice healthy baby growing within very very soon.

Life will go on, I'm just (trying) to take it one day at a time!

Who The Hell Knows?!

That's right...who the hell knows what is going on with my body.

Let's recap:

Got my period
started using ovulation sticks after period was done
got a positive
a week later started spotting brown
spotted brown for almost exactly a week
Now nothing...

I too scared to test, I know I should. I just don't get my body. Urgh! Why can't I just be some what normal. I will probably test in a day or two. My boobs hurt pretty bad yesterday and I'm bloated so either A. my period is slowly coming or B. I'm pregnant, again!