My Dream

Reading this ALWAYS makes me feel better! Every word in this is true, so very true!

My Dream

"There are women that become mothers without effort, without thought, without patience or loss and though they are good mothers and love their children, I know that I will be better.

I will be better not because of genetics, or money or that I have read more books, but because I have struggled and toiled for this child. I have longed and waited. I have cried and prayed. I have endured and planned over and over again. Like most things in life, the people who truly have appreciation are those who have struggled to attain their dreams.

I will notice everything about my child. I will take time to watch my child sleep, explore and discover. I will marvel at this miracle every day for the rest of my life. I will be happy when I wake in the middle of the night to the sound of my child, knowing that I can comfort, hold and feed him and that I am not waking to take another temperature, pop another pill, take another shot or cry tears of a broken dream. My dream will be crying for me.

I count myself lucky in this sense; that God has given me this insight, this special vision with which I will look upon my child that my friends will not see. Whether I parent a child I actually give birth to or a child that God leads me to, I will not be careless with my love. I will be a better mother for all that I have endured. I am a better wife, a better aunt, a better daughter, neighbor, friend and sister because I have known pain. I know disillusionment as I have been betrayed by my own body, I have been tried by fire and hell many never face, yet given time, I stood tall. I have prevailed. I have succeeded. I have won.

So now, when others hurt around me, I do not run from their pain in order to save myself discomfort. I see it, mourn it, and join them in theirs. I listen. And even though I cannot make it better, I can make it less lonely. I have learned the immerse power of another hand holding tight to mine, of other eyes that moisten as they learn to accept the harsh truth and when life is beyond hard. I have learned a compassion that only comes with walking in those shoes.I have learned to appreciate life.Yes, I will be a wonderful mother." - Unknown

Over A Week

Well it's been over a week now since we got the news. I've had my good and bad moments. Mother's Day was the hardest so far. It was suppose to be a happy day, which it was a perfect day. It was just also a sad one for me. I kept thinking how I was suppose to be pregnant with baby b but instead I was empty inside. Once I got past that day, I've been better. I'm ready to start over and try again. I know that we are meant to have more babies, we love them too much. Then wasn't our time but I'm hoping so will be! I'm living on love, hope and faith! I trust God, He knows what He's doing!

The bleeding has pretty much turned to spotting so thankful that part is almost finished. I go next week for a follow up beta, I hoping it's zero or close to it.

The End

This is the end. With u/s confirmation baby #2 (now referred to as baby b) didn't grow and had no heartbeat. Which call it motherly instinct or a gut feeling, I knew all a long that something, just something wasn't right. Even with the morning sickness and sore breast, we weren't connected. I never "felt" pregnant. By that, I feel it was my way of coming to terms with something that was about to happen. Maybe it was God's way of preparing me.

The doctor gave us his speech, which I replied rather quickly, "It's okay, I'm really fine. No worries!" He gave us our options. We went with option 3 - "the pill". The pills (which you took by mouth) were painless, well, they caused pain but were simple enough to take. 4 now and 4 in 12 hours. The miscarriage start around 6 hours after taking the 1st 4 pills. It was the middle of the night, the cramps started (which I was prescribed Tylenol with codeine and still haven't used). I went to the bathroom and things had begun. I prepared myself as I walked down the hall way to the bathroom saying, "You will see red blood and that's okay".


The bleeding hasn't been too bad but I am prone to heavy bleeding periods and the cramps come and go and so far no medicine has been need (but I do have a strong tolerance for pain - thank goodness at a time like this). Mentally, I think I'm in disbelief but again, I never "felt" pregnant the entire month I new. Now, I'm just taking my emotions day by day and getting through each one. It's harder some days then others simple because of Facebook and all the pregnant  and baby announcements make me sad. I just think of all the wasted time and that makes me mad. I know I could have had a health baby, leading to a healthy pregnancy but that wasn't the case.

 I go back in two weeks for a beta draw. We will see where my levels are at that time and go for there. My doctor waits 6 weeks for non-regular period women (that's me) to start a new cycle again. We are again in the waiting processes but hopefully next time it will have a happy ending!

Not Sure

I'm nausea, my boobs are bigger and hurt on and off,  I have heartburn, smells bother the crap out of me but yet I'm spotting. Urgh. I hate spotting. HATE it. It's been happening on and off for a couple weeks, pink and brown. Lasting a little bit and then it's gone. Today I woke up to diluted redish colored blood - yippy. Something new to dwell on and worry about. I have another u/s on Monday and I'm sure we will be getting bad news but at least I am ready for it. The spotting which didn't even fill a panty liner has turned to a brownish/tan/yellowy color. Good, maybe? Who knows. Well, God knows and it's all in his hands. What ever will be will be and future is ours to see. I'm really holding strong to my thoughts that if this doesn't work out, I've always ALWAYS (since high school) wanted my kids 3 years apart. So if it's sooner great, if not that's okay too. I will tell you this though, number 3 (when and if number 2 is a stickin' around or whenever it happens again) we will try for number 3 as soon as he/she is 6 months+ naturally and if I'm still "broken" and need help, we will wait until a year when I wean from breastfeeding. Urgh. I should be happy and excited but truthfully I haven't been. I've been SO cautious that I'm not enjoying the moment, instead I'm worried about the future.

U/S #2

I went in thinking, it's over, there will be no heartbeat but to my huge surprise, there was. The NP did my internal u/s and she was alittle rough, it kind of hurt. After all the measurements and me looking at the ceiling, she said, here is the a nice size gestiontal sac, the yolk sac and the baby with a heartbeat. I looked and said, "really?" I was in shock, happy but still  cautious! I go back in two weeks for another u/s and if everything checks out as okay, then I get released to my regular ob. It's crazy. As of now I am pregnant. I have some hope but am not getting my hopes that everything will be perfect up too high. Stick baby stick.

U/S

Well I had my u/s yesterday- everything is measuring okay (6 weeks) but we couldn't see a heartbeat. We saw, gestational sac, yolk sac and a small fetal pole.  I know that's it's really early and we are at the start of "you may or may not" be able to see the heartbeat. I'm actually okay. I've actually googled the sh*t out of the topic and found it could go either way. Many ladies say they went in for the 6 week scan and saw no heartbeat but saw a heartbeat a week or two later, others never saw a heartbeat and some said that their doctors don't even do u/s until 7+ weeks because before that it's just too early. I'm just happy to know that it's a) not ectopic (so it can not hurt me) and b) it's not a blight ovum(which means an empty gestational sac) there is hope. Although I have none, there is a glimmer. I know it's all out of my hands, it's all up to God and the little bean within. If he wants a heartbeat, then he will have to work hard to grow, change and get that little heart a flickering. I go back on Monday to see if anything as changed. I'm not expecting much. I just hope if this bean isn't stronge that we can get back to ttc baby #2 very soon. If not now, I know soon enough I will be pregnant with a stronge, healthy baby bean.  ::Sticky baby vibes:: ::heart vibes::

Beta

Beta Results:

18dpo: 257
22dpo: 1295

doubling time 33 hours (under 2 days)! Stick Baby Stick!! Praying long and hard for this baby!

First u/s next Tuesday at 6pm, I'll be 6 weeks 2 days (from ovulation)

Symptoms as of now:
very mild cramp/pressure that comes and goes
sore nipples and slightly sore boobs
nothing sounds good but I am hungry.
bloated
tired
moody

Fingers and toes crossed for a very sticky (in the uterus) and healthy bean!