I AM...

I lite my two candles tonight at 7pm. I am a mom to three: one amazing little girl and two sweet angel babies.

October 15th of every year is National Pregnancy/Infant Loss Remembrance Day. 1 in 4 woman will experience a miscarriage or the loss of a baby. Please take a moment and say a prayer for all the woman affected by this silent tragedy and the babies who were too beautiful for earth.

On this day, I don't feel so alone.

Spotting, Period...Urgh!

Depressed. Yup, that's me. Not really but slightly a little more down then normal. I just want another baby. I see all the fertile ladies out there and it doesn't make me angry or mad, it makes me sad. I want that. I want to have no worries about having my 3-4 kids I want to complete my little family. I have one amazing little girl. She is perfect to me and I want her to be able to have 2-3 brothers and sisters to play with. I know it will happen, everything happens in time.

So lets back track - I spotted the whole week before my period was due, dark brown mixed with some red. It stop the Monday after my period was due. Went a couple days with nothing and then that Friday, I started spotting pink. Sunday I start bleeding a little heavier then spotting and now I'm having a real AF. So yup, that's what's up and who in the hell knows what it means. I know I don't.

Oh....you are wondering if I ever took a pregnancy test....Nope. I'm too scared now a days. I only want to see one when I know for sure that it is a sticky, healthy baby growing within. It was best for me not to look.
Plus doc really didn't want us trying on our own, I guess I should have listen. It would a much easier wait. I don't think I was pregnant, I had no cramps like the 1st missed miscarriage and the last chemical pregnancy. I could tell something was happening. This time, nothing just bleeding.

We met with him sometime in the next couple of weeks to talk about testing and options for the next go around. Now a days I can get pregnant but I can't stay pregnant and that plainly sucks!

I just hope I can get some much needed answers and a much need preggo belly with a nice healthy baby growing within very very soon.

Life will go on, I'm just (trying) to take it one day at a time!

Who The Hell Knows?!

That's right...who the hell knows what is going on with my body.

Let's recap:

Got my period
started using ovulation sticks after period was done
got a positive
a week later started spotting brown
spotted brown for almost exactly a week
Now nothing...

I too scared to test, I know I should. I just don't get my body. Urgh! Why can't I just be some what normal. I will probably test in a day or two. My boobs hurt pretty bad yesterday and I'm bloated so either A. my period is slowly coming or B. I'm pregnant, again!

It was....

POSITIVE

Let's hope that my body can follow through with an amazingly strong egg release!

I had some major cramps last night so I think that had to be a good sign. I at least hope it was. Like I said before, I'm not trying to get my hopes too high but I have faith that one of these times God will bless Eric and I with a super healthy, sticky, long lasting baby brother or sister for Claire.

I just pray I made the right decision. I really want this to be it.

Dear God.

Please bless us as we are on this wild ride. Life is full of ups and downs and even these moments aren't really down, they are just small bumps in the road. I so badly want another baby. A baby brother or sister for Claire to play with, laugh with, argue with and everything else sibling "love" is all about. I pray that Eric and I can do this on our own, like a normal healthy trying to conceive couple. It's hard to feel broken. I pray you grant me healthy and that those last two times were something that we had no control over or anything we did. Please let us get pregnant with a healthy, sticky baby. A miracle baby. I know you know how much I want this child and all the future ones. Please bless us, keep us all safe and healthy. Our family is strong and so full of love. We are ready to spread that love to another child.

Amen. 

SO close...

It's SO close to positive....SO very VERY close!! We will make sure to cover our bases over the next few nights!! Fingers crossed!

Testing...

Testing...I've been using my ovulation test and things are happening. They are slowly getting darker! I'm just waiting for the moment that it's actually a positive! I am having "other" signs that ovulation is in the near future! I hope I can do this on my own. It would be awesome, amazing, and a true miracle if we can do this on our own this month. I'm not counting my chickens before they hatch but I'm saying an extra prayer and crossing my fingers a little harder this month!

Another One Bites the Dust

Although I never thought for a million years I was pregnant this time around. I mean come on, I saw a freakin' negative a day after my period should have been here. I guess that was my first clue I missed. My period wasn't here. It wasn't here because I was having a chemical pregnancy.

I went to the doctor on Monday for more blood work and an u/s and the u/s showed nothing! There might have been a small tiny dot that could have been something that tried to implant. My tubes looked clear and so I was a little less worried about a tubal pregnancy. My blood work came back and my beta was dropping nicely. From 180 to 46. I went back Thursday a.m. for more blood work and my beta dropped even more to 11 so it was safe to say we were having another miscarriage and there was no chance of a tubal! Thank heavens!

To me, this wasn't a true miscarriage. I would consider it more of a chemical pregnancy - one that never implants. I feel the two are very different but still, I got pregnant and can't keep them around too long. WTF. I had Claire fine. No help, no worries. Carried her to term and she was healthy. We are confused. Something changed in my body in the last 3 years. We are going to do some additional testing to see if something is up or if these two were just freak accidents.

This one hasn't hit me too hard because I didn't even realize I was pregnant until it was too late. I had basically two days to think about a baby within. By the third day I was cramping and my beta was dropping. That night, my period arrived!

Doc wants to wait a couple of months, I'm saying I will take this month off and try again in Oct. I hope he agrees. I want to get a move on things and get a sticky/healthy bean inside of me. I think we will be brave souls and try and IUI next time. That way only healthy and correct shaped sperm get in and get to the egg!

Time will tell what the future holds but I hope it holds many more babies!