Urgh!

I saw the doctor yesterday and of course, I can try on our own this month but no clomid. He wants to put me on Metaformin to see if it will help at all. Metaformin is actually the gastrointestinal devil. It has awful side effects and a scarey (rare) but deadly condition can occur from taking it and it's side effects, basically very very very similar to the general ones! So last night I had a freak out about a lot of things, Metaformin was one of them. I have the prescription filled and right to go but I don't know if I want to take it, I don't know if I can handle work and Claire will such major "bath room" and horrible stomach side effects. It's just a "maybe" it will work. I don't have any high levels from my PCOS so it's just a precautionary measure. I have started taking 81mg of aspirin every morning. I'm fine with that (minus the whole glass of water in the morning. I hate drinking water or any liquid in the morning - yuck!) Urgh! I don't know what to do. I just want to start this cycle like normal! I wanted to start clomid now!! I don't want to wait, I DONT WANT TO!!! The need and want for a baby, a baby brother or sister for Claire is outrageously strong! It sucks! If I some how got pregnant on my own this month (ya right) I would be due the end of August. If I get pregnant with Decembers period, I would be due in October. I'm confused, mad, sad, angry and some-days hopeless. I hated. I'm so happy with Claire and my family but inside of breaking and I don't know how much more I can handle! My insides are about ready to imploded!

Waiting

Well, my last pill of progesterone is in and now I wait. Wait for AF to show it's face and we can move on, get start, let hope and faith take it's course! I'm secretly hoping I got pregnant on my own because I'm pretty sure I ovulated last week, we shall see!
I just get in moods where I never think I will be pregnant (successfully) again! It makes me sad and angry. Then a sense of relief comes over my, I really think it's my faith and hope that let me know, I will. I just wanted it so bad. Think of something you want night now and you can't have it, it drives you insane. Thankfully I have a crazy two year old to keep me super busy! She's my everything right now! Thank God I have her, she makes me think happy thoughts!
Well hopefully soon I will be peeing on a stick and I will see a nice dark positive! I don't just want to be pregnant, I want to be pregnant with a super healthy/sticky bean!!

Results

The Results are in....

Negative/normal

Let's recap: Eric and I decided to have the recurrent miscarriage test for the two types of blood clotting disorders/auto-immune. Also I had my glucose levels test, due to the PCOS. 

All came back normal! I'm super excited because it a huge relief but also a little sad because the reason I've lost two babies is still unknown to me. Yes, they were probably just freak accidents that "just" happened. There is another chromosomal test we can do if it happens again. We will be getting Eric's semen analysis done to double check him. I will be taking a baby aspirin a day just as a pro-cation. My RE has seen those two test come back fine but the ladies still have miscarriage, they go on baby aspirin and they get pregnant and stay pregnant! That's what I want and I will take another pill a day to get that!

We will be starting clomid again once AF shows her face and we will go from there. My clomid amount will not change seeing as it's worked. I'm thinking about doing an IUI to make sure good spremies get up there and it gives me a little bit higher of a chance to make sure they get to the eggs!

I will update once I know more but for once, I am happy with a negative/normal test!

Fingers crossed for a August or September baby!!

I AM...

I lite my two candles tonight at 7pm. I am a mom to three: one amazing little girl and two sweet angel babies.

October 15th of every year is National Pregnancy/Infant Loss Remembrance Day. 1 in 4 woman will experience a miscarriage or the loss of a baby. Please take a moment and say a prayer for all the woman affected by this silent tragedy and the babies who were too beautiful for earth.

On this day, I don't feel so alone.

Spotting, Period...Urgh!

Depressed. Yup, that's me. Not really but slightly a little more down then normal. I just want another baby. I see all the fertile ladies out there and it doesn't make me angry or mad, it makes me sad. I want that. I want to have no worries about having my 3-4 kids I want to complete my little family. I have one amazing little girl. She is perfect to me and I want her to be able to have 2-3 brothers and sisters to play with. I know it will happen, everything happens in time.

So lets back track - I spotted the whole week before my period was due, dark brown mixed with some red. It stop the Monday after my period was due. Went a couple days with nothing and then that Friday, I started spotting pink. Sunday I start bleeding a little heavier then spotting and now I'm having a real AF. So yup, that's what's up and who in the hell knows what it means. I know I don't.

Oh....you are wondering if I ever took a pregnancy test....Nope. I'm too scared now a days. I only want to see one when I know for sure that it is a sticky, healthy baby growing within. It was best for me not to look.
Plus doc really didn't want us trying on our own, I guess I should have listen. It would a much easier wait. I don't think I was pregnant, I had no cramps like the 1st missed miscarriage and the last chemical pregnancy. I could tell something was happening. This time, nothing just bleeding.

We met with him sometime in the next couple of weeks to talk about testing and options for the next go around. Now a days I can get pregnant but I can't stay pregnant and that plainly sucks!

I just hope I can get some much needed answers and a much need preggo belly with a nice healthy baby growing within very very soon.

Life will go on, I'm just (trying) to take it one day at a time!

Who The Hell Knows?!

That's right...who the hell knows what is going on with my body.

Let's recap:

Got my period
started using ovulation sticks after period was done
got a positive
a week later started spotting brown
spotted brown for almost exactly a week
Now nothing...

I too scared to test, I know I should. I just don't get my body. Urgh! Why can't I just be some what normal. I will probably test in a day or two. My boobs hurt pretty bad yesterday and I'm bloated so either A. my period is slowly coming or B. I'm pregnant, again!

It was....

POSITIVE

Let's hope that my body can follow through with an amazingly strong egg release!

I had some major cramps last night so I think that had to be a good sign. I at least hope it was. Like I said before, I'm not trying to get my hopes too high but I have faith that one of these times God will bless Eric and I with a super healthy, sticky, long lasting baby brother or sister for Claire.

I just pray I made the right decision. I really want this to be it.

Dear God.

Please bless us as we are on this wild ride. Life is full of ups and downs and even these moments aren't really down, they are just small bumps in the road. I so badly want another baby. A baby brother or sister for Claire to play with, laugh with, argue with and everything else sibling "love" is all about. I pray that Eric and I can do this on our own, like a normal healthy trying to conceive couple. It's hard to feel broken. I pray you grant me healthy and that those last two times were something that we had no control over or anything we did. Please let us get pregnant with a healthy, sticky baby. A miracle baby. I know you know how much I want this child and all the future ones. Please bless us, keep us all safe and healthy. Our family is strong and so full of love. We are ready to spread that love to another child.

Amen.